Alltel, the worst cell phone provider ever.

So today I finally had it with my cell phone, decided I would get a new one. The only real problem with my phone was that the antenna had broken off, repeatedly. I have basically been gluing the antenna back on over and over again, it worked, but the phone overall was garbage to begin with. Since I was having the best day of my life, not counting any days where I got laid, of course.

So I called up Alltel, they say, go here and we'll replace it for you free. Wahoo came to mind, didn't last long. I drive over to the place, find out that it's not a store like they told me, it's a kiosk in the crappy mall that is Desert Sky. Of course the 15 year old wearing a clip on can't help me, does help me out by confirming in the Alltel account information that I have insurance AND an 18 month warranty on my phone. Sweet! So he also gives me the address of the nearest "store". I hop back in the car, drive on over. I get there to find 8 people milling around, they all work there, but don't even notice me. I say "hey, my phone's broken, the Alltel guy at the mall said I should come here and you would replace it."

So they take a look at the phone, say "Sorry, your warranty only covers physical damage, this antenna was glued back on, that's cosmetic damage". Dumbfounded by the idiocy of that comment, which implies it was physically damaged to begin with, I just go for the gold "Can I speak with the manager please". Seventeen year old manager comes over. This is where things get good.

"First off, no one has ever even looked up my account, so no one even knows if I'm covered under warranty, I have insurance as well, and this lady can't comprehend that a broken antenna is still broken, whether or not there's glue on it, can you please explain this to me?" Manager looks to other employee for advice....He goes to lunch.

So I'm getting annoyed, she pulls up my account. Says: "You don't have insurance on this phone, just the other two on the account." At this point I'm sure of two things, one: I should have brought some grease, Two: These people aren't playing with a full deck of cards". I do the next logical thing.

"So, despite the fact that all three phones have the exact same plan and features, this one is an exception?" She responds: "Yes" Wow. This is getting good. I say, "Okay, if the phone was 'physically' damaged" while making quotation signs with my hands, "You will replace it?", "Yes" I reply, "Well, the antenna's broken, please replace it", she responds "Okay Sir." Wait a minute!

What just happened? You're not the only one confused.

She starts typing away, says "That'll be $283.72". "Uhmmm, excuse me" I reply. She states "the only way I can replace it is for you to buy a new phone at full price". "I think not" I cleverly reply. She says "Well, then you can either sign up for a one year extension on your contract and buy a phone at reduced price, or you can pay $200 and go elsewhere". "Why am I paying $200 to go elsewhere?" I reply. She clearly outlines "You have 12 months left on your contract, meaning if you cancel, you have to pay us $200".

"Okay, I can pay $200 to go elsewhere, buy a new phone altogether for more than that, extend this contract that basically gives me nothing more than a headache, or I'm screwed?" I query.

"Yes"

Okay. I'm a very logical thinker, I do the one option no one mentioned all along. I take my phone, throw it as hard as humanly possible at the giant Alltel logo on the wall, watch it shatter completely and snicker as parts bounce of the other 6 employees still milling in the corner.

"It's physically damaged, please replace it"

She reply's "Sir, I think you should leave"

Me: "Okay, I'll get another service provider"

"That'll be $200"

Okay, this is my best moment ever "I didn't say cancel the contract, I'll see you later"

As I leave, I swing by the T-Mobile Store conveniently located across the way. I get me a nice nifty new phone. Activate it, make a payment, even though they say I don't have to pay anything, even activation, until next month. As I leave the store, I call Alltel's 800 number, get my phone calls forwarded to my new number, I walk back in the store.

"hey, thanks guys, you were wonderfully useless. I'm now a T-Mobile customer, I have the same phone number, I didn't pay you any stupid $200 fee, and I have a nifty new phone, Thanks, hope you all get fired soon"

I don't think they liked that, but a couple minutes later I get a call, yup, forwarding works great.

It's Alltel, go figure, they tell me I can't get a new provider without paying them. I reply "So you're telling me I can't continue to pay you and pay someone new because it's cheaper?". Pause...

Pause...

"Thank you sir, have a nice day"

Wow.

Wow.

New phone works great, for those that don't have it, my new number is 623-703-7237. The other one will still forward, teehee.