Customers Suck Big Floppy Donkey Dick

So I run a wireless ISP....I have wonderful customers, with the exception of one guy, we'll call him Lance. He constantly complains and bitches that "the internet is down" "it's down" "it's down for hours at a time" "you need to figure this out" "my business depends on the internet".

Yah, so after 4 months of not billing him, believing that the customer is always right, yah....that's a load of shit. I setup this really cool logging system, that does nothing but log every packet that comes across the network, where it's from, where it's going, etc. So I get this call the other day, guess who it is....Lance of course, guess what's going on, he thinks his "internet is down". I hate stupid people, not like someone hates the french, I mean with a fucking passion. Like I'm close to getting "Jewish guy in Nazi Germany circa 1944" on this dude.

Okay, so I already know I'm going to burn in hell for shit much worse than that comment, if you have issues, blow me.

So like I was saying... I spend pretty much all damn day connected to the logging box, which I appropriately called "BIGBROTHER". So there's like 20 people on the network.... ONE person accounts for 80% of the total traffic on the network, I'll give you three guesses who it is. He tells me "yah, it's been down for about an hour now, it's broken and I need it fixed right now", so I of course promptly correct him "your last packet transmission was about 1, nope, there's another transmission right there, you are checking your e-mail right now". To which he responded, and I loved this so much "my e-mail seems to be working, but the internet is broken".

Hard as I tried, I could not come up with an adequate response, so I told him what myself and my business partner had decided "Ed, you have 30 days to find a new provided, you are a non-paying customer, all you have ever done is complain that it's not working and yet somehow you manage to use 80% of the total bandwidth on the network, you insist that it's broken, and that I need to come down and fix it, and every time I do, there's nothing wrong. You have to admit that there's gotta be a problem here". I should have seen this coming: "Yah, and you need to come down and fix the problems".

So I'm down there the whole time he's bitching anyway, so I of course do not take the effort to walk my ass to his building, that's like 453 feet for crying out loud(yup, measured it). I know he's online I can watch him surfing date.com and lavalife singles like oprah on a honey baked ham. So I pretty much ignored him completely since he visits his business' website like once a week, the rest consists of business critical uses: singles sites, dating services, and because the fucker can't get a date, porn.

So, like an hour late I'm watching his connection, as usual, dudes downloading the AOL client. A short while later, he's not transmitting anymore. YES! He must have actually listened when I told him to go get another provider. Well.....After an hour on dialup, guess who's on the phone begging me to take a look at it, and also has an issue with "some program" on his computer.

Long story short....I hate people, and not just any people, I know exactly which people, others.