Sunday, October 23, 2005

US Postal Service

You all know who I'm talking about, those idiots you see stuffing those letters marked "do not bend" into the wrong mailbox because they didn't pass elementary school and can't tell 17 from 394. Well Highways Rants Regular, A, met up with one through the joys of Yahoo Peronals.

A calls this guy up looking for something to do that evening, after being stood up by someone, who we'll discuss in a later post. He tells her to come on over and bring a 6 pack with her. A obliges, wanting to start off on the right foot, etc. About 4 hours go by, he tells her about his area, etc, which is Power Ranch, we'll need this information later...

Anyways, he only puts down the beer, which he's consumed a case over the course of the night, only to adjust the joint in his mouth and try to coerce her into some manual pleasuring. So I plead to all of you non-commenting slime out there, and I know there are a bunch of you, I see the stats, please assist me in the following:

We need to call up the postal service with a concern... It should go a little something like this: "I saw my postman smoking marijuana in his truck the other day, I can't believe the postal service would allow this, this guy handles our mail, what if he needs money to buy more illegal substances, is he going to start stealing my checks?"

Give them a fake name, or a real one, with an address from the Power Ranch area, or even just tell them you were driving by, etc. Doesn't matter. The USPS phone number is 1-800-ASK-USPS. Just be sure to mention this was in the Power Ranch area. That should be enough to trigger the appropriate "random" drug test.

How to Guarantee Effective Castration

Okay, so you're looking to get your balls cutoff. You've been with someone for 2 years and it's pretty serious, you moved with her across the country and she's definately a keeper. When the topic of engagement comes up do you:

a. Go out and buy a ring and do the right thing
b. Move out
c. Talk it out and discuss your feelings and love for each other
d. Tell her you are not ready
e. Look online for Red Sox tickets

Apparently in this example, both d and e would be correct answers.

Guys, I know we can all be stupid at times, some more than others, but there are a few simple facts that even guys can understand about dealing with women. If they've given you the commitment and have supported you and care for you enough to move you a few thousand miles with them, you need to get off your ass and go buy a fucking ring. Oh, and the Red Sox got clobbered this season, just to rub it in.